July 7, 2009

the happy lie

Dear Boyfriend,

You mean the world to me. I’ll shout it from the rooftops, I’ll put it on my blog!

So when you walked out abruptly last night, I thought I should write to explain myself…

While I was single, I’d meet the girls for lunch and they’d tell me how it was going with their men. I was as dull as chips without chicken. I didn’t have any juicy details of hot dates, no anecdotes from romantic get-aways. The girls felt sorry for me, and brainstormed for available men who could make me happy.

My mum thought I was single because I was f.a.t. Of course she didn't say it, she made subtle suggestions about which outfits were flattering. Her intentions were good, she wanted me to have a boyfriend. So I pounded the treadmill twice a week with her encouragement ringing through the headphones in my ears. She said my dad made her happy.

I stayed in every night, looking in the mirror at boring, fat, unlovable me. Hmm kind of depresssing... BUT THEN...

You asked me to be your girlfriend. And everything changed.

I discovered I was exciting when you took me on holiday. The girls looked at the photos wide eyed, I told them about the airhostess and other funny stories from my adventurous life.

I realised I was beautiful when you checked out my ass and threw me a compliment or two. Now when I look in the mirror I like my curves, those gyming days are over.

Sometimes I sound like a broken record - why didn’t you answer your phone, do you still like me? Don't worry, you know I wouldn't be able to live without you!

Thanks for being my boyfriend, and for making me so happy.

I tried to say this last night, but you walked out when I forgot your name.

Yours, A

'This above all: to thine own self be true / And it must follow, as the night the day / Thou canst not then be false to any man.' Shakespeare


  1. Acacia! Acacia! Whatever it is you are smoking should be made legal!

    Nice one.

    Its not like there is a metaphysical coded message hidden in the text! But as it is, its a pleasure to read and makes me smile!

  2. none of this is true. false logic.

    my conditioning lies to me about what i need to have to be happy... a boyfriend, a busy life... not true!
    my conditioning lies to me about who i need to be to be happy... thin, curvy... not true!
    i believe the lies, i meet the criteria and i am 'happy'.

    so when i say i love you, i mean: i love how you make me feel about myself, i need the lie you give me, i can't live without you!
    and i'm so dependent on you, that i've stopped seeing who you actually are.
    and i'm so busy maintaining the lie, that i've stopped being who i really am.

    what do you think you need to be happy? the truth is, you don't.

  3. Great bit of writing Acacia...

    Very thought provoking.

    Do i really need everything that I am expected to need?

    I didnt need your approval, or anyones approval, until i was made to feel like I need it.

    Then when i realised that I didnt have the approval, that until that point I hadnt needed, then, I felt that I needed it...

    When you gave the approval to me, it made me happy.

    "She said my dad made her happy"


    "The truth will set you free..." OR, more realistically... "there is no truth, except human opinion"...

  4. ( i always wish you would postscript your writing with "this didn't actually happen"/ "this really happened" / "this really happened, and i'm ok" )

    so whilst the boyfriend made YOU feel better, you related to him simply to sate your own insecurities, not as an individual. which i think is true. at the beginning of the relationship you're so bloody relieved/flattered to 'get' a boyfriend it takes a while to actually fall in love with the person.

    social pressure.

    after the naked article, the alone article and now this, i think you're feeling the pressure!

  5. I like reading your articles but i cant help sometimes wonder what goes on in that head of yours.

    what do you think you need to be happy? I think its unconditional love. to love someone and to be loved back.

    What do you think about this one??? I feel it cant be nothing.

  6. Z. Allan Ntata08 July, 2009 19:52

    Nice piece Jess. As deep and inspiring as ever. How do you sustain such prolificity? I need some tips!

  7. jess another gem. i love this one. rings tru to many who may not or even ever realise x

  8. with how people turn out to be nowadays, i stopped assuming that there is truth: they always affirm something for something. i don't even greet back sometimes, because i believe some of the greetings are lies. they don't mean to convey the message in them. try to end the friendship, and you will get what she really is. try to expose him truthfully, and you create an enermity. will hear comments like "...does not how to rock, ...does not know how to cook" but all along have been together and were envy of others.
    i agree with you: to prolong something, we have to lie. thus what people want. but if the lie is found out, we are doomed.
    nice piece, keep it up!

  9. Blessings Samuel Phumisa14 July, 2009 10:18

    I like your writing. It is always deep.

  10. Well said. Are you happy though?

  11. who drew the painting?

  12. I don't know you, but I love you! :)


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