me, myself and us

If we’re talking… and some guy reaches for my leg… and eyes glaze over, I stop mid-sentence …shoot me! Remember the last time you were the third wheel. Were they fondling and fawning, playing with each others hair? Did they touch cheeks, stroke arms and distract each other from the conversation? A bit inconsiderate, a tad antisocial?

In Malawi we see public displays of affection all the time… in the club… by intoxicated prostitutes… picking up inebriated punters. That’s about it. We don’t see men and women holding hands. We never spot a loving touch in the supermarket. We do not get smoothing of backs in church (well not in mine). Husbands aren’t caught greeting wives with a peck. Over here we only see teenagers flirting with ice cream, a couple on a date act like any two friends, and the bride and groom sit 30 cm apart all day.

This total taboo on any public evidence of emotion goes even further than the realm of romance. When a policeman stops her car, my wonderfully expressive mother is liable to raise her voice or burst into tears. Onlookers stare in fascination, sometimes they laugh, and often the poor officer has no idea how to react. While far from repressive, people in Malawi do seem to discourage the INDIVIDUAL expression of emotion. Mother is a brave exception in an otherwise ‘peaceful nation’ where the only angry shouts, or distressed cries, come from the mad and the drunk.

Before you imagine passive, blank faces, look a little closer… there’s plenty of passion to be found. Try visiting Shoprite when the Flames have won at Kamuzu Stadium, or watch a mob catch a thief, go to a funeral, attend weddings… COLLECTIVE exuberance is easily observed.

This is consistent with a culture that values solidarity, getting along with each other, fitting in, and being the same. Other cultures are more individualistic, glorifying personal autonomy. It seems you cannot have your cake and eat it. Would you rather have great community cohesion or full individual expression?

Shall we make everyone feel included and equal, or shall I do what I want when I want? One person expressing extreme feelings stands out from the crowd. The couple necking in the bar separates themselves from the pack. In France, 2000 women wearing a cloth over their heads in public is considered a barrier to social integration. In Malawi, anything that stands out is a threat to a united community, and is not taught to our children.

When emotions never see the light of day, it raises a few concerns… Sons don’t have a clue what their father thinks of them. Husbands never learn how to show love to their wives. Employees vent their frustration through a go-slow. There’s a massive gap between what is said and what is thought. Simple actions are loaded with coded messages. Effective communication becomes a distant dream. Sound familiar?

Don’t forget the advantages... no one storms out of the boardroom, there are no accusations in the heat of the moment, no careless quick angry words, conflicts are never explosive. When immediate reactions are stifled, resolution becomes so much easier. Mediators are in their element, third-party advisors ever ready to bring about compromise and reconciliation. Hmm imagine a country without war, we don’t have to look far.

Just as wearing a burka makes you a great Muslim, that arm-around-shoulder makes you a great couple… but when it turns to kisses and cuddles, then it also makes you shit drinking buddies, awful dinner guests, and just not fun to be around (I mean the couple, not the Muslims). Inside I might be shouting ‘get a room’, but I’ll never tell you that because… drum roll… I don’t get overcome by the need to express every impulse, especially when it might make you uncomfortable.


When in the grip of passion,
it becomes a natural fashion
to wear your beloved all the time
blissfully unaware of your social crime.

Well John Legend wrote quite a good song
praising Brits in the park, getting it on.
Important to remember; cultures aren’t clear cut.
Your kisses make some people want to throw up.

In Malawi, couples are more discreet with desire,
we find furtive ways to feed the raging fire;
a quick glance, a short note, signifying the start
of a full-on obsessive affair of the heart.

Yes in matters of love, those who don’t have a lot,
are often the ones going over the top…
Plus it makes you look desperate, and a bit insecure.
Watch out behind you – a drooling voyeur!

On the bus – groping boob, eating face…
In church – stroking hair, squeezing waist.
In the bank – touching cheeks, joined hips…
At dinner - holding hands, pecking lips.

Is this what they meant by freedom of expression,
these rather inappropriate exhibitions?
Hmm I don’t know what’s acceptable to you or others,
but I’m sure there'll be PDAs as long as there’s lovers.

- Public Love by Ceri and Jess