April 19, 2009

questions in my eyes

do you see the questions, the many question in my eyes? in my hesitant hand, reaching for yours? in my open invitations, in my cooking, in the telling of secrets?

if I ask you, will you answer?

of course I’d only approach someone whose opinion i respect, whose life I admire, someone qualified to answer. someone who knows what they’re talking about, who knows me, knows whats up.

…so I thought you’d be a good choice. you’re tall with long eyelashes, you have a job and a car, you’re cool and when we're in bed... what can I say, its off the chain.

will you answer my questions?

of course you’re not that old, not much life experience. and you’ve only known me a few weeks. and you have a ton of baggage. but our time together has been amazing, you’re the best thing that ever happened to me, I’ve never felt like this before. I think about you all the time, you’re special, I miss you, I love you.

so i have a few questions, some pretty big questions actually. am I cool, do I look ok, are my jokes funny, my thoughts intelligent? do I do a good job, am I nice person?

I see your answers. when you call me, come to lilongwe to visit me. when you pour my drinks, change my flat tyre, listen to my stories, tell me how your day was, kiss me when I’m asleep, show interest in my theories and comment on my blog.

I see your answers. when you don’t pick up your phone, look distracted while I’m talking, don’t have time to meet, don’t introduce me to your mum. when you don’t touch me, roll over in bed.

I see your answers every time I look in the mirror, look down in the shower, look at my phone. prove my worst suspicions, confirm my wildest dreams.

maybe I am asking the wrong person, maybe there is no right person. maybe I should take my big questions to the big man upstairs.


  1. this made me cry

  2. and if his (the big man) answers are not forthcoming (which unless you get visions probably won't be); will you look to yourself?

  3. pretty heavy stuff, questions are a good place to start, my challenge is I'm not always prepared for the answers...they are usually more complex than the questions.

  4. Will I answer? Yes I will. With trips to Lilongwe in the night without telling you I was coming, surprising you with a bunch of wilted roses on your door.

    With long conversations at Kameleon over one drink each that we drink sparingly to make it last the hours we are there.

    With long gazes into your eyes like I m seeing you for the very first time and you are a flower blooming under the rays of of eyeshine, with hands seeking, finding, fingers twined and pressing.

    Echoes of being that make the lips part and my smile shows the unevenly spaced teeth and I m not ashamed.

    With the freedom I give you to be yourself, your scared self, your doubting self, your amazing self.

    With long hugs that are too painful and delicious to end, seeking lips and meshed faces.

    Yes I will answer with my silence, with my withdrawals. I too have questions, I too have assumptions when I phone and you say you re busy and I ask myself whether you are really busy or you dont want to talk to me. When my phone is silent and I want to smash it against the wall.

    We are two hungers seeking, we are too completenesses giving.

    You can ask the big man upstairs but some of the answers you seek are down here. Deep calls unto deep.

    Come let us seek together, come let us doubt together, come let us ask together. Together but separate. One but two.

  5. Maybe you should have started with the 'big man upstairs' as He knows you better than anyone else. Maybe He would not have answered all your big questions but maybe He would have found a way to show you the right man with the right answers.

  6. Well i will tell you one thing tho, bout thaty chicken, what spice did u put in? Onion? lmao!!! Nice thought tho... x

  7. Jess, i love this... amazing writing... damn... hits home girl.

  8. (GT - that cracked me up....haha)
    these are my questions:
    how much of your identity rides on the answers?
    are your 'questions' just a way to feed your need for affirmation, aka your insecurities?
    is it easier to passively question than look someone in the eyes and ask?
    what does rejection do to YOUR state of mind? should it have that effect?
    can imperfect people love imperfect people with a perfect love?
    why do we always want to be fought for?
    if someone doesnt fight for you, does that mean you're not worth fighting for?
    well i know the answers to these questions - as you know the answers to yours - sometimes we like these things to be shrouded in mysteries that they really arent. don't ask questions to the wrong people. how many times will they have to answer before you're satisfied?
    ask the right Person.

  9. I always think that big questions never have big enough answers. Keep writing Jess, this is the only way to figure these "big questions" out?!

  10. If I could crawl inside your mind,
    through your ear,
    carrying a dustbuster,
    I'd find every idea,
    every inkling you've ever had,
    and vacuum up all your thoughts
    like lint or crumbs.

    I'd exit through your other ear
    and empty the contents
    onto the bedroom floor,
    sifting through each thought-
    Getting to know you,
    turning each one over and over
    until I understood you.

    After that, I'd throw them
    high into the air
    and dance as they fell around me
    like dusty confetti.

    Since I can't do that-
    I too willask you questions because right now I cant see your eyes to see yours

  11. You strut your Rasta wear
    And your suicide poem
    And a cross from a faith that died
    Before Jesus came
    You're building a mystery...
    - Sarah McLachlan

  12. who is the artist of the painting???
    loved the poem!


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