face value

describe yourself in three words. choose the characteristic that is most prominent. there you have it, your new identity... look no further, ignore all other qualities, traits and features... the characteristic you picked now represents your ENTIRE personality. fat. clever. male. black. rich. young. what are your favourite boxes? ‘our take on others becomes a simple act of reductionism. bill gates is a computer geek, mother theresa a saint, the waitress a function.’

generalisations, summaries; be simplistic and it’s a short step to feeling different. many writers have explored how the self defines itself according to the ‘other’; defined by our differences. ‘differences, whether of race, ethnicity or gender, are always socially constituted, and they always have a dimension of power.’

who are those other people, who are “they”? people out there, washed or unwashed, great or not great, but always other people. are “they” mostly poor, to you? mostly stupid, or, at least, mostly not quite as bright and intelligent as you. mostly not quite as attuned to what is going on as you are. are “they” slow? are “they” thick? what do “they” want? do “they” even know what they want, or do they lie to themselves, lie to other people, and lie in the polling booths? can you believe a word that “they” say? who are “they”?

think about it; are we african or are “they” african. ‘the unschooled mind, inclined to rational reduction, to pigeonholing and simplification, readily pushes everything african into a single bag and is content with facile stereotypes.’ but in actual fact ‘the continent is too large to describe. it is a veritable ocean, a separate planed, a varied, immensely rich cosmos. only with the greatest simplification, for the sake of convenience, can we say ‘africa’. in reality, except as a geographical appellation, africa does not exist.’

yiwonda asserts there is no such thing as racism. she means that your ideas about a collective group of people never affect the way you relate to individuals. as soon as you connect, as soon as “they” step out of the collective blur and in to focus, the person proves your assumptions wrong and you often have to start from scratch. i’ve found that people like yiwo - who don’t fit into the usual boxes – are usually the most open-minded, most ready to take you at face value. we’re all humans, all children of god right? ‘here there is no greek or jew, circumcised or uncircumcised, barbarian, scythian, slave or free, but Christ in all, and is in all’.

great, but is an open-minded blank slate enough to see people as they are? ‘you fight your superficiality so as to try to come at people without unreal expectations, without an overload of bias or hope or arrogance… you come at them unmenacingly on your own ten toes, take them on with an open mind, as equals… and yet you never fail to get them wrong. you get them wrong before you meet them; you get them wrong while you’re with them; and then you go home to tell somebody else about the meeting and you get them all wrong again. since the same generally goes for them with you, the whole thing is really a dazzling illusion empty of all perception, an astonishing farce of mis-perception… so ill-equipped are we all to envision another’s interior workings and invisible aims.’

‘we don’t see things as they really are, we see things as WE really are’. ‘knowledge of the self is the mother of all knowledge.’ hmm could my lack of knowledge about myself possibly determine the way i experience other people? ‘the other is consistently being fashioned out of our own discomfort and dis-ease with our selves’. ‘wrong thinking about God and people often begins with a debased image of ourselves. as we continue to confuse our perception of ourselves with the mystery that we really are, self-rejection is inevitable.’

‘the divisions that pervade our daily life and cause destruction and violence are interior as well as exterior: the divisions among our most intimate emotions and the divisions among the most widespread social groupings. the division between gladness and sadness within me or the division between the races, religions and cultures around me…’

no worries, heres the magic answer; knock down the divisions, become whole, see others as they really are. haha how? i reckon it might take a bit more than will-power. ‘the spirit that calls us the beloved is the spirit that makes whole. unification, healing, restoration and reconciliation. wherever the spirit works, divisions vanish and inner as well as outer unity manifests itself.’

Philip Roth ‘American Pastoral’ 1998
Paul ‘Colossians’
Brennan Manning ‘Ruthless Trust’ 2002
C. Hall ‘Introduction: thinking the postcolonial, thinking the empire.’ 2000
Stella Orakwue ‘We live the Revolution!’ 2008
Kahlil Gibran
Henry J.M Nouwen ‘Life of the Beloved’ 1992 Read more ...

1 2 3 blossom

‘it was not good for the man to be alone… I shall make him a sustainer beside him’.

in the course of creation, eve was the final touch. God created women separate and different to men. no shit ! men are motivated when they feel needed while women are motivated when they feel cherished. men tend to be more in dependent, aggressive, and dominant and demonstrate greater spatial and mathematical skills. women are more empathetic and security- seeking than men and have more developed verbal and social skills.

unfortunately for us eve was convinced by the serpent, ate the fruit and was cursed with relational heartache (loneliness), the urge to control (especially her man) and with the dominance of men (which was not how things were meant to be!). consequently women have deep needs for intimacy, and massive emptiness that needs to be fed.

these needs are not frivolous or merely emotional; there’s a very real ache in our hearts. all we do is talk about relationships; how we relate to our mum, who said what in recent scandals, and of course the latest man. we hate things that isolate, and detach - lies, secrecy, we love signs of connection and communication - quality time, thoughtful gifts, words of understanding. ‘man’s love is of man’s life a thing apart, ‘tis a woman’s whole existence’

in my experience being a woman is not a walk in the park. so ladies out there, what do you think about these lessons i’ve been learning…

1. be beautiful

women are beautiful. beauty is powerful, it matters, it is restful, it is good. a woman comfortable in her feminine beauty is enjoyable and lovely, relaxing, making us feel that all is well. beauty is inviting, nourishing to the soul, full of life, comforting, healing and inspiring. beauty is alluring, captivating, and it points to the eternal. deep down every woman wants to bring beauty in to the world. if we’re honest we desire to possess a beauty that is worth pursuing, worth fighting for, a beauty that is core to who we truly are.

2. be vulnerable

…it’s a bitch. but its how we were created. the ache in our hearts makes us vulnerable and we hate that, we become guarded. and this is not beautiful…. women who are not feminine are either totally dominating or desperately needy.

with the same controlling instinct that reached for the fruit, women look for different methods to validate themselves and alleviate the heart ache they have. ever seen a woman use sex to get something else? we learn skilful ways to avoid being vulnerable, and sometimes it hurts so much that we’d rather lock that room in our hearts and throw away the key (should I mention names?!). ‘the trouble with steeling yourself against the harshness of reality is that the same steel that secures your life against being destroyed secures your life also against being opened up and transformed.’, ‘the only pain is to feel nothing at all’.

3. be whole

sorry ladies, no human will ever be able to affirm you consistently and adequately, only God can do that. i think he wants to validate you, heal you, liberate your heart and be your loving father. ‘there is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear.’ find out what God thinks about you, and start from there. i reckon you can be a whole person with or without that man, and I think the only viable option is to get your identity from God firstly foremostley, letting him answer your questions of self value self worth and beauty.

‘then the time came when the risk it took / to remain tight in a bud was more painful / than the risk it took to blossom.’

THEN when you are truly feminine; whole beautiful and vulnerable you will be ready to bravely enter the unknown of a romantic relationship… taking the risk that you might get hurt… making a conscious and difficult choice to be open and intimate and defenceless. you might meet a man who is strong and masculine… and you might not mind much if you don’t !!

Genesis – The bible
John Gray – Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus
J+S Eldredge – Captivating; Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman’s Soul
Lord Byron
Frederick Buechner
Bono – U2
1 John – The Bible
Anais Nin Read more ...

living deliberately

‘…I did not wish to live what was not life, living is so dear... I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life….’ Henry Thoreau

‘Everything is permissible – but not everything is beneficial. Eveything is permissible but not everything is constructive. Nobody should seek his own good, but the good of others. ‘ – Paul,The Bible

Now I can bitch with the best of them but when it comes to meaningful morals I do not consider myself to be especially judgemental. I’m happy to let people live their own lives and I’m sorry when things don’t turn out well for them. I think I’m relatively laid back; not easily phased.

But there is something people do that really offends me. It disturbs me, it makes me feel frustrated, almost angry. The strength of my reaction always surprises me. I just cannot respect it and I usually have to say something. Unintentional behaviour.

People who do things they do not believe are ok. Like people who hate smoking lighting up, or people who love someone kissing someone else. sound familiar? people who claim something and act in the opposite direction. Don’t say sorry later, you made your choice at the time. Actions speak louder than words.

Let me introduce you to ‘Living deliberately’; a policy that places your life in your own hands to give to whatever or whoever you want. ‘Living deliberately’ is a phrase my mate Hannah and I coined. We were at university and the days were sliding past like children on a skiddy floor. As I imagined the wrinkles forming on my face, I decided to choose how to live, each millisecond. Not exactly carpe diem, more like running a google search for the implications of every action you make.

Zwane was the HOTTEST guy in Malawi; he wore a necklace of sex appeal. I noticed him around for a few weeks and one night asked him why he wasn’t wearing his usual hat?a few hours later he was in front of my face and keen. I looked at his lips… they were interesting, slightly asymmetric a bit dry… absolutely magnetic. He was very close and I was centimetres away from giving in, on-the-spot I glimpsed the implications (my boyfriend!!) and I dived past the lips and fobbed him off with a sturdy hug. it wasn’t what I WANTED to do, but it was a deliberate decision for the greater good!!

Wait wait, deliberate living is not control-freak psycho, harnessing spontaneity, crushing individualism… and it is definitely not a glittery self-help self-empowering pep talk, be all you can be. It is about liberating yourself from silly impulsive choices that only give immediate gratification and may fuck up your life in the long run.

‘… life is more than a series of moments. I believe we can make choices… and we can choose to protect the people we love.’ – Ben Afleck in Forces of Nature

‘you were called to be free. But do not let this freedom become an excuse for letting your physical desires control you. Instead, let love make you serve one another. For the whole law is summed up in one commandment ‘love your neighbour as you love yourself’. But if you act like wild animals, hurting and harming each other, then watch out, or you will completely destroy one another.’ Paul, The Bible

Call them what you will, there are things you REALLY want to do which are not healthy or helpful. These things impact your life, the other people involved and the innocent bystanders. They don’t even make you happy!!

‘for what our human nature wants is opposed to what the spirit wants, and what the spirit wants is opposed to what our human nature wants. These two are enemies, and this means that you cannot do what you want to do.’ Paul, The Bible

If ‘deliberate living’ is possible, you can then take complete full unashamed responsibility for every single one of your actions and make choices that fully reflect who you are and what you believe. An intentional life - no regrets, no accidents, no mistakes – attractive?

‘So get rid of your old self, which made you live as you used to – the old self that was being destroyed by its deceitful desires. Your hearts and minds must be made completely new, and you must put on the new self, which is created in God’s likeness and reveals itself in the true life that is upright and holy.’ – Paul, The Bible

'I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. I did not wish to live what was not life, living is so dear; nor did I wish to practise resignation, unless it was quite necessary. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life….’ – Henry Thoreau Read more ...

against the flow

you know HIV; that virus that hijacks white blood cells, leads to AIDS and then TB or pneumonia and... you know someone who has died.

now you’re against it, fighting it, battling it. 'women against AIDS', 'fashion against AIDS', ‘global fight against AIDS’, ‘combat the epidemic’, ‘stop AIDS campaign’, ‘unite against AIDS’... but now you’re HIV positive. are people against you? fighting you? excluding you? how do all these campaigns make you feel?

‘The language we use to conceptualise and talk about HIV/AIDS reflects our personal biases and understanding or lack of understanding. It also helps shape our own and others’ attitudes about HIV/AIDS.’

UNESCO says… ‘although this phrase ‘fight against HIV / AIDS’ is widely used, it is considered militaristic and stigmatising vocabulary that may lead to the thinking that people living with HIV have to be ‘fought’ or eliminated. similarly to the words ‘fight’ and ‘war’, combatant language (e.g., struggle, battle, campaign) should be avoided when referring to a response to HIV and AIDS.’

HIV is in the people all around us, and maybe one day in our own blood. are you going to stand like king canute on the shore ordering the tide back, or are you going to learn how to live with the waves. accept HIV, embrace the situation. people with HIV need to be getting information and accessing treatment. people without HIV need to be exercising preventive measures. nothing more, nothing less. next time you’re naming an NGO resist the urge to be melodramatic!

UNESCO Guidelines on Language and Content in HIV- and AIDS - Related Materials http://unesdoc.unesco.org/images/0014/001447/144725e.pdf

The Power of Language, You and AIDS, the HIV/AIDS Portal for Asia Pacific (UNDP) http://www.youandaids.org/HIVAIDS%20Language
Read more ...

incredulous

‘i’ll come over tomorrow’ ‘i’ll vote for you’, ‘i’ll call you later’… confident, friendly, smiling; but do people in malawi mean what they say? it has been said that we are becoming internationally notorious for not speaking our minds.

is it possible that a non-verbal culture sprung up in the days of dr. h k b when underlings gave good – but untrue – reports to avoid sacks in rivers? maybe employees began to make glowing - but inaccurate - presentations to the boss. perhaps people took these habits home and learnt to lie through their teeth to their families and friends.

lets confess that here in malawi we duck and dive to avoid confrontation. our good intentions and nice ideas build a happy warm dream world; we tell you exactly what you want to hear; ‘i’ll be there’, ‘your lecture was great’, ‘there’s no problem’, ‘i’ll write the report’, ‘see you at ten’, ‘lets meet for lunch this week’, ‘i’m coming’, …

afraid to tell the truth? a lazy way to avoid giving offence? a passive-aggressive protest? or a round-about way of establishing solidarity? whatever the explanation, we have become completely incredulous. noone expects the promised visit and only the naïve hold their breath for that phone call.

apparently it’s a unique phenomena; west and east africans are much more frank, not to mention our friends in europe who wear their hearts on their sleeves. a quick apology ‘i won’t be able to make it’, a blunt ‘i don’t like the way your are speaking to me’, a straightforward ’that will not be possible’. they probably enjoy honest opinions, the root of the problem, the whole truth, realistic plans, reliable promises, and taking things at face value.

people in malawi do not trust the spoken word; actions speak louder, symbolism is alive and well. a strong culture of lengthy diplomatic discussion and negotiation has developed. but critics should note that avoiding confrontation has made malawi one of africa’s most peaceful countries.

i’ll post again tomorrow! Read more ...

unexamined summers

at 6 summers road growls of thunder introduce dramatic bursts of rain to contradict the sunny cheerfulness. open windows inspire mini floods.

the rain encourages a new appreciation for the indoors; and fanatic reading. reading, the forgotten form of escapism. whole afternoons disappear, entire evenings are lost in ‘the flame trees of thika’, ‘house of stone and ‘don’t lets go down to the dogs tonight’… despite the romantic tint of hindsight, all brilliant stories and highly recommended. other escape techniques i recommend are eating (a reliable diversion from any worry) and romantic entanglements (which account for quite a few vanished years).

having escaped quarter of a century in this way, it may be time to take socrates’ approach that ‘the unexamined life is not worth living’. imagine growls of thunder introducing an expose of the humble happenings and wonderings of jessica, 25, blantyre. there shall be few exclamation marks (punctuation should not compensate for inadequate wording), minimal ellipsis’s (the lazy way to end a sentence) but many semi colons. there shall be few readers but much love. Read more ...