‘it was not good for the man to be alone… I shall make him a sustainer beside him’. in the course of creation, eve was the final touch. God created women separate and different to men. no shit ! men are motivated when they feel needed while women are motivated when they feel cherished. men tend to be more in dependent, aggressive, and dominant and demonstrate greater spatial and mathematical skills. women are more empathetic and security- seeking than men and have more developed verbal and social skills.
unfortunately for us eve was convinced by the serpent, ate the fruit and was cursed with relational heartache (loneliness), the urge to control (especially her man) and with the dominance of men (which was not how things were meant to be!). consequently women have deep needs for intimacy, and massive emptiness that needs to be fed.
these needs are not frivolous or merely emotional; there’s a very real ache in our hearts. all we do is talk about relationships; how we relate to our mum, who said what in recent scandals, and of course the latest man. we hate things that isolate, and detach - lies, secrecy, we love signs of connection and communication - quality time, thoughtful gifts, words of understanding. ‘man’s love is of man’s life a thing apart, ‘tis a woman’s whole existence’
in my experience being a woman is not a walk in the park. so ladies out there, what do you think about these lessons i’ve been learning…
1. be beautiful
women are beautiful. beauty is powerful, it matters, it is restful, it is good. a woman comfortable in her feminine beauty is enjoyable and lovely, relaxing, making us feel that all is well. beauty is inviting, nourishing to the soul, full of life, comforting, healing and inspiring. beauty is alluring, captivating, and it points to the eternal. deep down every woman wants to bring beauty in to the world. if we’re honest we desire to possess a beauty that is worth pursuing, worth fighting for, a beauty that is core to who we truly are.
2. be vulnerable
…it’s a bitch. but its how we were created. the ache in our hearts makes us vulnerable and we hate that, we become guarded. and this is not beautiful…. women who are not feminine are either totally dominating or desperately needy.
with the same controlling instinct that reached for the fruit, women look for different methods to validate themselves and alleviate the heart ache they have. ever seen a woman use sex to get something else? we learn skilful ways to avoid being vulnerable, and sometimes it hurts so much that we’d rather lock that room in our hearts and throw away the key (should I mention names?!). ‘the trouble with steeling yourself against the harshness of reality is that the same steel that secures your life against being destroyed secures your life also against being opened up and transformed.’, ‘the only pain is to feel nothing at all’.
3. be whole
sorry ladies, no human will ever be able to affirm you consistently and adequately, only God can do that. i think he wants to validate you, heal you, liberate your heart and be your loving father. ‘there is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear.’ find out what God thinks about you, and start from there. i reckon you can be a whole person with or without that man, and I think the only viable option is to get your identity from God firstly foremostley, letting him answer your questions of self value self worth and beauty.
‘then the time came when the risk it took / to remain tight in a bud was more painful / than the risk it took to blossom.’
THEN when you are truly feminine; whole beautiful and vulnerable you will be ready to bravely enter the unknown of a romantic relationship… taking the risk that you might get hurt… making a conscious and difficult choice to be open and intimate and defenceless. you might meet a man who is strong and masculine… and you might not mind much if you don’t !!
Genesis – The bible
John Gray – Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus
J+S Eldredge – Captivating; Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman’s Soul
Lord Byron
Frederick Buechner
Bono – U2
1 John – The Bible
Anais Nin
Hmmmm. I definitely agree on being beautiful. This is one thing you should feel every morning when you wake up. And how you define that is up to you really. I sometimes feel more beautiful in glasses and work clothes than when I'm all dolled up just because of what types of things I associate with that look. On being vulnerable, yes, I think this is natural. If you are never vulnerable, then you waste a lot of energy pretending that you are something that you probably are not. And being hard so much to the point that you are actually scared to try new emotions and relations out. As to being whole, its like I always say, you have to be able to stand on your own two feet first and be happy with yourself before you can be in a relationship. I wouldn't think back to Genesis too much. I really don't believe that we are not complete without a man and it helps when you just think of yourself as YOU and then add someone else into the equation. --A
ReplyDeletei wrote a long comment yesterday but i think i pressed preview instead of publish and lost it all... doh!
ReplyDeleteAnyway, in short: I agree with aparna - also don't believe jerry maguire 'you complete me', first we have to learn to love and accept ourselves and enjoy all of the beautiful things and amazing opportunities in this world. Don't think it's a mystery that us ladies are always more attractive to guys when we're not trying to hunt them down but instead living strong, whole, beautiful lives.
That whole vulnerable, neediness, control cycle is certainly a challenge though! Remember when i got all wound up about 'love, honour and OBEY'?! I'll have to ask my sister in law to give her super cool answer to that one again!
Love your work. Keep it up! Nangondo xx
Very true words...thanks for the bringing us back to the stark reality that we simply must be who God created us to be, and be open to relationships He brings our way. C.S. Lewis in his book, "The Four Loves," says that when we refuse to open ourselves up to others in relationship, we are creating a cage that will surround us and isolate us.
ReplyDeleteWhile we're on the subject, let's also remember that "eros" is not the only kind of love out there. We tend to get caught up in passion and romance, and miss out on friendship, affection, and charity. These other 3 types of loves may be just as, if not more, fulfilling than "eros."
While there are risks that accompany the rewards of love, I would recommend taking them, since "the only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell." (C.S. Lewis)
not many women blogging from malawi but i like the way this girl thinks... and of course its about the hot topic of men... http://buckaroothandi.blogspot.com/2008/09/volunteer-relationship-psychologists.html
ReplyDeletewell thought out...I'm glad and grateful beyond words to have read your entry. hmmm... I think I need to blossom! this tight flower bud position is rather asphyxiating!!
ReplyDelete